good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
