i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize