I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
