I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize