i don't like sucking hair
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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