I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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