Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
