the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
