Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
