dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
