pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
