You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize