Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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