the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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