just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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