You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
