dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
