So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
