She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
