do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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