My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
