I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
