Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
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