I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
