Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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