he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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