The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Randomize
