Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
