shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
