u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
