Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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