You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
How external is "for external use only"?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
