I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Never underestimate the power of titties
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
