i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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