What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
