Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
