How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
