so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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