this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
