Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
