I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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