I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
