My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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