I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
