i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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