Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
