Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
And then my night got REAL pukey
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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