I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
