take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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