just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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