Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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