i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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