Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
