I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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