peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
