you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
