I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
